Monday, June 25, 2012

early morning

first meetings of the day are cancelled.

since i have a few hours since my day "officially" begins, i thought i'd take a quiet moment, nosh on a frog hollow peach, look out of the window, and watch the morning. 

i observe people walking with purpose. the buses, despite the early hour in san francisco, are completely packed. i assume people are getting ready to go to work or school. there is something humbling and comforting about living in a city. no matter what may be happening in one's own sphere, one is surrounded by people who are experiencing their everyday lives. they work. they study. they connect. 

this morning, i observe these people with a dispassionate distance. i assume that they must have their own struggles and joys. yet at this moment, they are external. while on some level it is good to be reminded that life, indeed, goes on. this morning, i'm not really caring about those strangers i see. while i was extraordinarily relieved when i was given the okay by my doctor this past week, loved ones experienced some incredible loss. 

i know that when i face traumatic experiences certain survival behaviors happen. i become numb. oddly enough...decisions, paths, and actions become crystalline. i attack whatever it is. there is no hesitation. i know what i need to do. i implement a plan to ensure that i am safe. 

then.....then....when i am safe, then it comes. 

i prefer to be alone when it happens. i've been informed that this isn't my most endearing trait.

it is remarkably different though....when those that i care about face loss or traumatic experiences. i am not numb. the familiar arrogant confidence i have dissipates. nothing is crystalline. i don't know what to do. i don't know what they need me to do. i don't know too many things.  i feel helpless.

i do know that i wish that they weren't having to face these things. i do know that if i could, in some magically realm, i would redirect what they are facing upon some evil person instead. i do know that despite not knowing so many things, i'm not going to stop trying to figure out how they need me to be there. 

despite everything, i have faith in three things.

i'll support them however they want me to support them. they will get through it. they will be ok. 

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